Butterfly And The Sun
by Caroline
Summary: [GCR] Butterflied spoilers, but before the episode aired. Catherine's agony over losing Gil.


  
  
BUTTERFLY AND THE SUN 

Spoilers: "Butterflied" (412)... sort of. My take on the episode before I actually saw it… and realized the high G/C factor!... well, despite the stupid speech about screwing up his chance with LH.  
Disclaimer: I do not own Britney Spears (although I'm sure my husband wishes I did), or her song, "Everytime." I'm merely using the lyrics.  
A/N: A butterfly weighed down by the dew on her wings needs her sun in order to fly again...

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Her blue eyes followed his movements on the other side of the room, watching him go for the coffee machine and pour himself a cup without so much as even glancing her way. She concentrated on his form, willing him to turn his face to hers... to acknowledge her presence.

Notice me...

She felt herself unconsciously reaching her hand out, as if she could touch him from where she was, then drew it back in close to her body, realizing it would do no good. Hers wasn't the hand he wanted to take now.

Take my hand...

She felt the tears sting her eyes, and she choked back the sob creeping up her throat, wondering when it went so wrong. Wondering when exactly in their eighteen years of friendship they suddenly became strangers to each other. When he suddenly started ignoring their bond... that strong bond of unspoken love that had held them together from the beginning.

Why are we strangers when our love is strong

Why is he doing this? her mind questioned while her brow furrowed, her eyes still trained on him, putzing around by the coffee maker. Why did his mid-life crisis have to hit NOW, when she was so close to revealing her feelings for him? And why, during this insane mid-life freakout, did he have to choose HER... the mouthy brunette that would throw a tantrum when things didn't go her way?

Why carry on without me?

She closed her eyes and shook her head, rising from her chair and practically bolting to the locker room, realizing the sobs threatening to overtake her could no longer be pushed aside.

Everytime I try to fly, I fall without my wings

She needed him back... it was as simple as that. She needed the power to turn back time and make him hers, before he could get himself worked up about that stupid case, and about that stupid victim that just happened to look like stupid Sara. She knew the thoughts were childish, but she didn't care. She was past the point of worrying over coming off as petty or vindictive.

I feel so small... I guess I need you, baby

This bullshit charade had been going on for five days now, and for the past four nights he'd haunted her dreams. His face would hover in some strange mist, taunting her... reminding her just how cowardly she was for never telling him she loved him.

And everytime I see you in my dreams  
I see your face, it's haunting me

When the locker room door closed behind her, she collapsed on the bench and began to cry.

I guess I need you, baby

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Trudging through the door, she dropped her bag onto the couch, kicking her shoes off, indifferent as to where in the room they ended up. Glancing around her empty house, she wished for her daughter to be there instead of at school. If Lindsey were there, she wouldn't be imagining HIM standing there with her.

I make believe that you are here  
It's the only way I see clear

Why did she point out how much the victim looked like Sara? Why couldn't she have kept her damn mouth shut? Perhaps it was all her fault... perhaps if she had just kept quiet, he would've finished the case without taking much notice.

What have I done?

She then scolded herself. No way... she thought ruefully, knowing all-too-well how detail-oriented Grissom was. He would've noticed eventually, even if she hadn't pointed it out. She just never dreamed that such a seemingly insignificant thing as the victim looking like the young CSI would propel her supervisor head-first into a mid-life crisis. Never in a million years did she dream he would snap his attentions away from her and onto the tall brunette. It was just too quick... too easy.

You seem to move on easy

She too felt like her supervisor... being thrust head-first into something she wasn't prepared for... something she couldn't control. And for her, it wasn't a mid-life crisis. It was reality. She'd been tossed into a sudden, jolting reality. She'd lost him. The man that held her up all these years, that gave her room to spread her wings, had dropped her to chase another butterfly.

Everytime I try to fly, I fall without my wings

And she couldn't get out of the pit she'd fallen into. Everytime she so much as saw his face... everytime she caught a glimpse of the smug, smirky-ass look Sara'd been constantly sporting, she shrank a few more inches. And now she felt so small she was sure that if she were to call to him, it would sound like nothing more than a faint whisper.

I feel so small... I guess I need you, baby

And the dreams... those horrible, haunting dreams would not stop. No matter how much she begged... no matter how much she prayed to the God that was currently snubbing her, the dreams didn't relent. Everytime her eyes succumbed to the weight of exhaustion, there he was... in all his glory, smirking about his newest conquest that was half his age.

And everytime I see you in my dreams  
I see your face, you're haunting me

She didn't know how much more she could take. She'd never been one to resort to desperate, selfish thoughts, but she couldn't help but idly wonder just how affected he would be if she suddenly disappeared? Whether it be through death, or just skipping town. Would he even notice?

I guess I need you, baby

Another sickening scene was in front of her, playing out in the locker room. Sara was standing with her back turned to the door, reading the small white card she'd plucked from the beautiful plant she'd received. With her back turned and head bowed, Catherine couldn't decipher what kind of mood she was in, but guessed that since she'd received a present from her older lover that she was grinning like an idiot. She sighed as discreetly as she could, exiting the way she came in... seemingly invisible.

I may have made it rain, please forgive me

If she'd only said something sooner, he'd be going through his mid-life crisis at her side, not trying to fulfill some stupid male fantasy about being with a younger woman. If she hadn't been so blind to the possibilities of where their relationship had been heading since his surgery, he wouldn't have given up on her. She damned herself for being a coward... for being too weak to confess how she was really feeling.

My weakness caused you pain, and this song's my 'sorry'

She set off to work on her newest case, attempting to push thoughts of him to the back of her mind, and silently praying the mid-life crisis would soon blow over like a Mid-Western tornado.

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Carefully she grasped the deadbolt on her door between her fingers, turning it to the other side before slipping her shoes off and tiptoeing up the stairs. She knew her daughter had already put herself to bed, and felt awful for working a double shift. She needed her daughter more than anything, now. That was all she had left.

At night I pray

Gently pressing a kiss to her forehead, Catherine crept out of her daughter's bedroom and went into her own, slipping into her pajamas while she said her silent prayer... the one she'd been saying for nearly a week, now...

That soon your face will fade away

All the silliness about this 'mid-life crisis'... all the ridiculous looks between him and Sara... all this bogus bullshit that felt like one big April Fool's joke. Just end it... please... she inwardly begged.

Everytime I try to fly, I fall without my wings

She needed him back... she needed him in order to fly again. She felt like a butterfly in the summertime, the dew on her wings holding her to the ground. And he was the sun. She needed her sun in order to be free again.

I feel so small... I guess I need you, baby

A knock on the door downstairs shot her heart up into her throat, and her pulse began to race as she crept down the stairs, stretching up on tiptoe to look through the peephole. It was then she saw his face... floating in front of her as if in her dream.

And everytime I see you in my dreams  
I see your face, you're haunting me

Pulling her door open, the pair stood and stared at each other momentarily, tears slipping down her cheeks at the sight of him while he reached his hand out to her. "I'm sorry..." he whispered.

She swatted his hand away. "For what?" she replied, avoiding his eyes. She needed to forgive him... her heart ached to forgive him... but for some reason her brain wouldn't let her give in so easily.

I guess I need you, baby

"I'm sorry for being stupid... for being blind and stupid."

"Yeah, well... boys will be boys," she grumbled, realizing only seconds after the statement left her mouth how lame it sounded.

"But all boys have to grow up at some time," he countered, earning her gaze in return. "I wanna be a grown-up now, Catherine."

The look in his eyes was so soft, so apologetic... she whimpered at the sight. "I thought I was your butterfly," she suddenly blurted out, weeping softly.

He reached out and pulled her close. "You are, Catherine, you are..." he whispered consolingly, rubbing her back.

"But Sara..."

"I got caught up with the case," he interjected. "Her resemblance to Debbie completely clouded my better judgement, and I behaved like every man I've tried my whole life not to be."

She was sure her pulse was flying through the roof at his close proximity, as his hands healed her, and she struggled to form a coherent sentence. "But in the locker room today, with the plant..."

"My way of letting her down easy," he explained. "I thought I felt something for her that went beyond our professional boundaries, and I did."

"But--" she began, only to be silenced by his finger on her lips.

A tiny smile escaped as he once again pulled her close. "Please let me finish," he begged, then pressed on when she nodded, her head resuming its place against his chest. "I do feel something for her that goes beyond the boundaries of mentor and protege... but I realized that what I was feeling was only how a father feels about his daughter. Nothing more. The fact that our vic looked so similar to her ate away at me, and I felt like a desperate man confronted with the thought of losing his little girl. I panicked."

When she was silent for more than a beat, he continued further. "I did take her out on a date, but over the course of the evening I realized how very wrong it was to be there with her like that. Our evening ended platonically, despite the blatant advances she was making toward me. For those next few days, she just assumed that a relationship was budding, but really I was wracking my brain trying to figure out how to tell her I made a mistake."

Having finished everything he needed to say, he waited in trepidation for her response. After a minute or two of tense silence, she spoke. "So why are you here? And why now?"

"I needed to see you," he confessed. "The past few days have been hell for me, not only because of what was going on with Sara, but because I was losing you."

She chuckled grimly. "You were losing me? I coulda sworn it was the other way around."

"I hate being without you, Catherine," he whispered against her citrus-scented hair. "Whatever I'm going through right now, whatever is happening to me, you're the only one that can heal me." And, as if he could read her earlier thoughts, he whispered even softer, his lips nearing hers, "As much as the butterfly needs her sun in order to fly, the sun also needs his butterfly... for she is his reason to shine."

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FINIS


End file.
